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Jan 26 2021
My struggles with flatulence, otherwise called Irritable Bowel Syndrome
What is it like to be me? Specifically, during a flare up of my chronic condition when I think I might or might not have passed gas in public. A routine visit to the bank becomes a soul searching exercise or perhaps a smell searching one when I constantly wonder if I once again broke that taboo about not polluting the air in the public space. The problem is sometimes I myself might be wondering if i did or did not. If I felt I did but at the same time thought I didnt. Or vice versa.
Being in this embarassing position is better imagined than experienced . It's been my reality since roughly 2003 after some health related challenges which didn't turn out well. Prior to that, I dont think I had more stinky episodes than what would usually occur with anyone in general but I could be wrong about that. I can be very klutzy so maybe its a sign of something else.
I usually make sure I have fragrances, perfumes, scented hand lotion close by just in case I need to freshen my air and also as a pick me up to brighten my mood. Sometimes I do excessively use the perfume when I'm extra moody or in a funk.
Some issues associated with my IBS (in a nutshell):
- shame. I am embarrassed and ashamed after each flare up. The confusion.
- the stigma of farting
- the burden of people, especially other Nigerians, feeling you keep embarrassing them with your lack of dignity and decorum. Not specifically saying it out loud but you know. They are trying to reach up and be high achievers but you constantly pull the crowd down with your smelling, shittyness and whatnot.
-the apprehension of loss of image. Accompanying loss of whatever little societal status previously had.
- etc
Why do I have a flare up from time to time?
- Repeated stress . When I am emotionally and mentally stressed out, I tend to build up gas and develop gut problems. Possibly exacerbated by the fact I am naturally hot tempered and holding things in instead of letting them out contributes to my stomach issues. I started working on my temper years ago in order to have a milder temperament but I guess genetics is difficult to change. Something has to give.
- My eating habits. Sugar in particular is not my friend. I can have sugar in my diet to some extent but when combined with stress mode, I need to stay inside and out of the public sphere. Now, when I'm stressed, I look for comfort foods as relief and yes, these foods are sugary. And I eat more of them in a vicious cycle where the stomach tension always wins. But it’s far better for it to win at home in the privacy of no one else being there to smell it.
- Sometimes just no reason I can think of besides it being a chronic condition I haven’t figured out the best way to handle yet. Salads do help but are not an all around cure. Keeping active is also beneficial. I’ve been somewhat more stationary than usual recently due to my leg/joint issues. Garri, a fiber food from Nigeria, is another go to medicine that settles my stomach somewhat but it has to be taken in moderation.
This is a general study of my chronic condition which unfortunately also happens to not be a fancy genteel one that doesn’t bring shame. I manage it as best as I can and the write up is to share what's going on with me.
Sad and Shameful
After the sad and shameful happenings described in the previous article, I've been upset and desperately taking cleansing veggie drinks. I just feel so bad when my symptoms act up and disgracefully embarrass me in such a manner, not nice at all.
Why can't I be cool and measure up to expectations? It's so hard to desperately long for this yet always drag myself down.
Crying.
